Melbourne Housewives Episode 3

So the girls are stirring it up again -- or maybe it's just Janet, Janet, Janet and Janet. 

Chyka tells Lydia she had no idea that the rumors about Gamble involved a supposed past as a call girl and stripper. She thought the 'gossip' about Gamble concerned a lawsuit involving Gamble's ex. She was shocked when Janet disclosed to Gamble that people were saying Gamble had been a call girl, a stripper and had hosted "sex parties." Lydia is wide-eyed for having not heard any of it (good for you, Lydia).

Jackie's Wine

Meanwhile, Jackie can't pronounce the name of her own wine, much to her husband's dismay. As an international rock star, he counsels her endlessly (and fruitlessly).  

Janet takes Jackie's lead in mispronouncing the name of Jackie's wine. Psychic Jackie tells us Janet's vibes are sad and predicts that `Gamble will be very hurt" by the gossip (that Janet has been spreading).

Janet blames Chyka for bringing up the rumors about Gamble then invites Jackie to play golf.

"I've never gone to a court and played golf," protests Jackie, in perhaps the most uninformed (and charming) golf comment ever. Jackie dances while confetti falls around her.

Pettifleur's Paid Friend Charlie

Pettifleur tells us about a woman named Charlie:  "She is a friend of mine. She does my eyebrows." Charlie the eybebrow friend is apparently also a writer. She is helping Pettifleur and Pettifleur begins to tear up "because I'm talking about me" and then describes herself as "dull, defeated, tired--"

Just then, Charlie interrupts Pettifleur to add her own observations about Pettifleur's disposition: 

"Soulless!" Charlie adds, perhaps a bit too eagerly. Pettifleur agrees -- she is soulless and her book will be a best seller around the world. 

Public Disagreement at the Chadstone Style Runway Show

Janet and Gamble have a good public scrap at the Style Runway Show in Chadstone. "I was feeling a little apprehensive" says Janet, in the understatement of the year. Apparently Gamble isn't pleased that Janet shared the rumors that Gamble was a stripper, call girl and host of sex parties. 

In a rare moment of dramatic clarity, Gamble observes "I know the name of the people who are starting these rumors: Janet, Janet, Janet and Janet." 

"I've apologized about 19 times," says Janet, who hasn't actually apologized, but then she does apologize. 

"I don't want your apology. Keep your bullshit to yourself," says Gamble. 

Lydia Counts Cards

Meanwhile Lydia attempts to learn to play poker for an upcoming fundraiser. She confesses her grandfather taught her to count cards, which elicits raised eyebrows from the poker table. Anything for charity?

The Wolf Comforts

Gamble says Wolfie is very comforting. "I  remember when he was lasering my eyes, I felt very calm. He spoke to me the whole way through it," she gushes.

Melbourne's Elite

Janet meets up with a woman named Manuela. (Will nobody film with Janet now?) Janet claims Manuela is "Melbourne's Elite" and tells Manuela that Chyka started the gossip conversation with Gamble. (Again with this?) 

"That's not like Chyka!" protests Melbourne's Elite, who has also heard the rumors and cackles, "You and I own this town honey."

Gina to the Rescue

Barrister Gina and Gamble have dinner. "I'm only allowed one meal today" says Gamble, who orders carrots.

Gamble denies being a stripper, pole dancer and call girl while Gina grills her like the crack Barrister she is. "The worst thing you can say is that I'm queen of the sluts," Gamble admits.

Gina offers to confront Janet, knowing it may ruin her friendship with Janet and also knowing that Gamble is getting a raw deal.

Stay tuned for more drama. Can't wait for more Gina, please, or as the Aussie ladies say it, Geenar.

Bravo's Melbourne Housewives Episode 2 - Murder Mystery Stupidity

This will be short.

Janet thinks Gamble has a bad reputation and she "fears" that the gossip will be hurtful. Janet tells everyone about her fears, thus spreading the gossip.

Gamble gets engaged in what might be the weirdest response to a proposal ever.

Pettifleur (aka Florita to me) is writing a book about bitches and nobody can understand what it's about.  Someone cuts her off mid-sentence.

Gamble and Wolfy announce their engagement at the murder mystery party and everyone squeals for joy, especially Janet, who wins the award for "Best Two Faced Housewife" considering the knives she's putting in Gamble's back.

Real Housewives of Melbourne are 'cracking it' in season 2

Nobody actually thinks reality TV is real anymore (right?), but season 2 of the Real Housewives of Melbourne is especially fakey, and we've only seen episode 1. The ladies from down under, when you can understand what they're saying, are a bizarro mix of pretense, big hair, sequins and cattiness. They speak English in disguise. It’s difficult to understand them. And I’m hooked.

The primary reason I’m watching is Gina Liano, the sexy, draggy, ever-composed yet vulnerable barrister whose vocabulary last season included generous use of the C word and who may or may not have threatened legal action against her castmates. Gina is universally disliked by the cast but loved by fans -- including this one. She has a "potna" in LA and hung out with Vanderpump. She wears tons of bronzer. She's sparkly. What's not to love?

Janet announces Gina's presence at her birthday party by shouting "Stage right! The drag queen has entered the building!" Gina? What say you, doll? Janet later regrets her cattiness and says she needs to "let it go." I’m down for that.  (Leave my Gina alone.)  

Let's move on to Jackie, a working professional psychic for 12 years and wife to an international rock star. She reminds us so frequently about "keeping it real" that the phrase "keeping it real" could be a drinking game. Add in her signature phrase, "Shine Shine Shine!" and her awkwardly named wine, La Mascara, (is it a beverage? is it mascara?) you could have a lethal blood alcohol content in about ten minutes flat. Jackie is simultaneously wacky, real, ethereal and petty all at once. She has an upbeat "energy." Me likey.

So the self-described home-girl from Newcastle is quick to point out (more than once) that castmates Lydia and Chyka have both lost a lot of weight. Wait, what? Did she not psychically foresee their sveltiness before joining them for drinks? Is she fishing for diet tips? Lydia flatly admits she had been on the 5:2 diet but starving herself twice weekly was "hard." Frankly, I'm not interested in any of this. I'll still obsessed with whether Gina will admit – ok, whatever - I'm not going there. Never mind. So these ‘wives are now ordering vulgar drinks and it’s difficult to focus. I'm bored with any scene that is not about Gina.

Speaking of Gina, she meets up with her real-life sister Bettina and the conversation is distracting because I can't stop thinking "This is what Gina would look like if she were a woman!" (Ok, I had to go there) Apparently Gina tells Bettina she's back on with the partner (potna) in Los Angeles. Huh. I hope he appreciates her. I want to know more about him. Why isn't he on the show? 

Joining Gina this season are two new castmates: Gamble, an apparently gossiped-about "contemporary art consultant" (uh - what is that?) who tells us her greatest weakness is men and her motto in life "is to calorie count." Squeee! That's so real! She then peppers us with gems like "My big career is my ass!" and "Stalky stalky 'til you talky!” She's dating a doctor (quel surprise) and getting a facelift at 50. Might want to get started on it, then? At least she's interesting. And talked about. Plus, she thinks Gina is “a goddess.” I agree.

Last is "Pettifleur" - are we supposed to believe this is her real name? I can't get past the name. That can’t be real. Go away, Florita. Let's talk about Gina.

Gina says her friendship with Lydia is "strained and damaged." I'll say. In the most awkward limo ride ever, Gina breaks the silence with "So I heard you and Andrew are separated?" to which Lydia responds, "Na, no, nuh-uh." It's an icebreaker, and Lydia apologizes to Gina, though it's unclear for what. Gina doesn't apologize back, despite having called Lydia the C word last season. (The C word is one of the few English words that can be clearly understood when said with an Australian accent.) At least Lydia's apology seems real.

Gamble meets up with Gina to repeat the nasty things that the cast has said about Gina, including a comment about Gina's "Darth Vader" energy. "It has to be jealousy or intimidation" Gamble sagely observes. She gifts Gina with a "protection" crucifix and an evil eye while professing loyalty. Gina is gracious but appears to be a little suspicious of Gamble's motives.