Real Housewives of Melbourne are 'cracking it' in season 2

Nobody actually thinks reality TV is real anymore (right?), but season 2 of the Real Housewives of Melbourne is especially fakey, and we've only seen episode 1. The ladies from down under, when you can understand what they're saying, are a bizarro mix of pretense, big hair, sequins and cattiness. They speak English in disguise. It’s difficult to understand them. And I’m hooked.

The primary reason I’m watching is Gina Liano, the sexy, draggy, ever-composed yet vulnerable barrister whose vocabulary last season included generous use of the C word and who may or may not have threatened legal action against her castmates. Gina is universally disliked by the cast but loved by fans -- including this one. She has a "potna" in LA and hung out with Vanderpump. She wears tons of bronzer. She's sparkly. What's not to love?

Janet announces Gina's presence at her birthday party by shouting "Stage right! The drag queen has entered the building!" Gina? What say you, doll? Janet later regrets her cattiness and says she needs to "let it go." I’m down for that.  (Leave my Gina alone.)  

Let's move on to Jackie, a working professional psychic for 12 years and wife to an international rock star. She reminds us so frequently about "keeping it real" that the phrase "keeping it real" could be a drinking game. Add in her signature phrase, "Shine Shine Shine!" and her awkwardly named wine, La Mascara, (is it a beverage? is it mascara?) you could have a lethal blood alcohol content in about ten minutes flat. Jackie is simultaneously wacky, real, ethereal and petty all at once. She has an upbeat "energy." Me likey.

So the self-described home-girl from Newcastle is quick to point out (more than once) that castmates Lydia and Chyka have both lost a lot of weight. Wait, what? Did she not psychically foresee their sveltiness before joining them for drinks? Is she fishing for diet tips? Lydia flatly admits she had been on the 5:2 diet but starving herself twice weekly was "hard." Frankly, I'm not interested in any of this. I'll still obsessed with whether Gina will admit – ok, whatever - I'm not going there. Never mind. So these ‘wives are now ordering vulgar drinks and it’s difficult to focus. I'm bored with any scene that is not about Gina.

Speaking of Gina, she meets up with her real-life sister Bettina and the conversation is distracting because I can't stop thinking "This is what Gina would look like if she were a woman!" (Ok, I had to go there) Apparently Gina tells Bettina she's back on with the partner (potna) in Los Angeles. Huh. I hope he appreciates her. I want to know more about him. Why isn't he on the show? 

Joining Gina this season are two new castmates: Gamble, an apparently gossiped-about "contemporary art consultant" (uh - what is that?) who tells us her greatest weakness is men and her motto in life "is to calorie count." Squeee! That's so real! She then peppers us with gems like "My big career is my ass!" and "Stalky stalky 'til you talky!” She's dating a doctor (quel surprise) and getting a facelift at 50. Might want to get started on it, then? At least she's interesting. And talked about. Plus, she thinks Gina is “a goddess.” I agree.

Last is "Pettifleur" - are we supposed to believe this is her real name? I can't get past the name. That can’t be real. Go away, Florita. Let's talk about Gina.

Gina says her friendship with Lydia is "strained and damaged." I'll say. In the most awkward limo ride ever, Gina breaks the silence with "So I heard you and Andrew are separated?" to which Lydia responds, "Na, no, nuh-uh." It's an icebreaker, and Lydia apologizes to Gina, though it's unclear for what. Gina doesn't apologize back, despite having called Lydia the C word last season. (The C word is one of the few English words that can be clearly understood when said with an Australian accent.) At least Lydia's apology seems real.

Gamble meets up with Gina to repeat the nasty things that the cast has said about Gina, including a comment about Gina's "Darth Vader" energy. "It has to be jealousy or intimidation" Gamble sagely observes. She gifts Gina with a "protection" crucifix and an evil eye while professing loyalty. Gina is gracious but appears to be a little suspicious of Gamble's motives.